Navigating separation anxiety in babies and toddlers

Understanding and Navigating Separation Anxiety at Bedtime

Separation anxiety is a completely normal and healthy part of your baby or toddler's development. It happens when little ones begin to understand that they are separate individuals from their caregivers. This realization can feel exciting but also unsettling. Even brief separations can trigger big emotions.

This stage can start as early as 4 to 5 months, often peaks between 10 and 18 months, and usually eases by around age three. Your baby may cling to you more than usual, resist naps or bedtime, or cry when you leave even for a moment. While challenging, these behaviors are a sign of a secure attachment between you and your child.

Even so, separation anxiety can make sleep routines feel impossible. You might find yourself staying by your child's side for hours, experiencing repeated night wakings, or feeling powerless when they protest bedtime. The good news is that this is a temporary stage. With consistency, patience, and intentional strategies, both you and your baby can navigate it successfully.

How to determine if it’s really        separation anxiety

Separation anxiety shows up in different ways depending on your child's personality and age. Some common signs include

• Clinginess during the day or wanting to be held constantly

• Upset when you are not fully focused on them

• Crying or protesting when you leave the room especially at bedtime

• Refusing naps, waking frequently, or taking shorter naps than usual

• Shyness or avoidance around strangers

It is completely normal to feel exhausted or frustrated during this stage. Even the best established routines can be disrupted. Understanding what is happening developmentally can help you approach these challenges with patience and empathy.

Keep Calm and Stick to the Routine

Predictable routines are your baby’s anchor. Following the same steps every evening, whether that is a bath, reading a story, singing a lullaby, or cuddles, helps your child feel secure and signals that bedtime is a safe and familiar transition.

Even if your baby protests, maintaining these routines reassures them. Sometimes you may need to temporarily offer extra comfort, like an additional cuddle or moment of reassurance, before returning to your usual steps. Remember, taking a small step back can help your child move forward confidently.

If you have a 2.5 year old or older…

Sample Toddler Bedtime Routine: Connection First

Bedtime can feel stressful for toddlers, especially during separation anxiety peaks. Creating a predictable and loving routine helps your child feel secure and gives them something to look forward to. Here’s a sample routine that balances connection, comfort, and preparation for sleep:

1. Wind Down with Calm Play (20-30 minutes before bath)

• Let your toddler engage in quiet, gentle play

• Offer one-on-one attention, laugh, and talk about their day

• Pick up toys together and slowly transition to calm activities

2. Bath or Wash Up (10-15 minutes)

• Warm bath or wash-up time helps signal that bedtime is near

• Use this time for playful connection – sing songs, splash gently, or let your toddler play with bath toys

3. Pajamas and Cozy Up (5-10 minutes)

• Help your toddler into pajamas

• Brush teeth together for routine and bonding

• Include lots of hugs and kisses

4. Connection Time: Talk About the Day and Tomorrow (5-10 minutes)

• Sit together and talk about what they did that day: what was fun, what was new

• Talk about what to look forward to in the morning: breakfast, a favorite activity, a walk, or playtime

• This builds attachment and security and helps them feel calm and ready for sleep

5. Storytime and Stuffed Animal Ritual (10 minutes)

• Read a favorite book or two

• Include your tip: give lots of kisses to your toddler and their stuffed animals

• Say something like: “Mommy and Daddy are going to sleep soon too. We love you and will see you in the morning.”

• This reassures your toddler that even though you leave, they are safe

6. Final Goodnight and Visual Cue

• Give a final hug and kiss

• Say a predictable phrase like: “Goodnight, sweet dreams”

• Consider a visual chart of your bedtime routine that shows each step. Toddlers can check off each step, helping them know bedtime is near and what to expect next

Make Their Sleep Space a Happy Place

Spend time in your child's room during the day. Play, read, and laugh together there so it becomes a space associated with comfort and connection. For babies, short supervised play sessions in the crib can help them associate the crib with positive experiences rather than just separation. By bedtime, this familiarity can reduce anxiety and resistance.

You’ve Got This – Stay Calm            and Confident

Children are incredibly attuned to your emotions. If you approach bedtime hesitantly, your baby will sense it and feel unsafe. Tuck your child in calmly and confidently to show that they are safe, you are nearby, and you always return. Your calm reassurance helps regulate their nervous system and builds trust, even when you leave the room.

Timing is Everything

Separation anxiety can feel worse if your child is overtired or under tired. Ensuring age appropriate wake windows and nap schedules can reduce crankiness and make transitions smoother. Even small adjustments, like moving bedtime slightly earlier or later to match natural sleep cues, can make a noticeable difference.

Sleep Training Can Help – Try a Gentle Fading Approach

Separation anxiety does not mean you cannot sleep train, but the method you choose can make a big difference. Gentle responsive approaches usually work best, particularly fading methods.

Fading approach

• Gradually reduce your presence over time instead of leaving all at once

• Start by staying in the room until your child is drowsy but awake, offering gentle reassurance without picking them up unless necessary

• Slowly increase the distance between you and your child or reduce the time you are in the room at bedtime

• Over days or weeks, your child learns to settle independently while still feeling supported

Other methods, like immediate cry it out techniques, may intensify anxiety for sensitive children. The fading approach balances security and independence, making bedtime less stressful for everyone.

Tears are normal

Crying is part of learning and growing, especially with separation anxiety. A secure attachment does not mean avoiding tears. It means responding warmly while maintaining safe boundaries. Acknowledge your child’s feelings, offer comfort when needed, and stay consistent with routines. This teaches your child that they are safe, their emotions are valid, and sleep is predictable.

Take a Deep Breath 

Separation anxiety can be exhausting, but it is temporary. With consistent routines, calm reassurance, and age-appropriate adjustments, including gentle sleep training strategies like fading, you can help your child feel secure and gradually sleep independently.

Patience and connection are key. Even in the toughest nights, your support teaches your child confidence and trust. And remember, soon enough, those peaceful nights are back for everyone in the family.

Ready to turn bedtime tears into calm, connected nights? Let’s make it happen — work with Stacie!

Live Rested,

Stacie, founder Sleep Purely Baby.